I just spent hours posting all my abandoned works in progress. Go here:

unfetished

And there they will be. Comments welcome, some of them are pretty long, many of them are pretty porny.

It's probably fairly obvious that I'm kinda done with this fandom. I don't care much for the Brendon&Spencer band, and there hasn't been anything else that's struck my fannish interest (aside from Ryan Ross's continued existence). Bandom pretty much burned me out on fandom entirely, which wasn't something I thought could ever happen. Here's hoping for a more positive experience and less anonymous gossip if there is a next time around for me.

If you've been cool, thank you, you've made this worth it for me, both the first time around and when I came back to this LJ. :) I'll be in touch, and still around to answer comments here, though I don't foresee another return - I'm done being AK, whoever you think that is. Think I'd rather just be Sara for awhile and see how that goes.

It's been real, guys.

<3,
Sara


ETA: And though I've locked most of the non-fic entries of this LJ, I will not be deleting it, at least not for a long damn time. The fic will remain unlocked and exactly where it is, and if I ever do delete, I'll put every story up on my website first, I hate losing stories as much as anyone.

After posting that last entry I realized that it's sort of indicative of where I am with LJ that my first entry in weeks was just reposting a Twitpic...which was in fact the same thing I did in the last entry before that. As much as I still enjoy Ryan Ross's existence, I think the brief post-Panic-split high of OTP inspiration has passed. I haven't written anything in what feels like a long while and I'm not really inspired to. At this point posting fic feels more like shouting into a void than it ever has, and that's a bummer way to feel. It reminds me of how I felt before I gave up on popslash, except this time there's not anything amazing for me to jump into. Though considering how shitty the last three and a half years have been, maybe that's a fucking blessing.

This week should be okay, I'm going to LA and going to see Cobra when they do whatever TV show they're doing this week (Kimmel I think?), then TAI on Wednesday, followed by Cobra and Fall Out Boy at Los Premios, which is an award show thing, so that should be a cool few songs to break up like seven hours of standing around. After that, who the fuck knows.

Anyway, over the last few years I've amassed a ridiculous amount of works in progress, some of them with thousands of words. I've been toying with the idea of making another LJ and posting them all, so people could read the porn at least, and because it seems like even more of a waste of time to have all those words written and never let anyone read them. So basically it would just be like an entire LJ of WiP Amnesty, probably with notes on where each one would have ended up or whatever. Any interest?

popoffacork writers have been revealed! Of course the awesome fic I received was by softlyforgotten, and I in turn wrote pining early years Brendon/Ryan for her. <3

( Carving Out Our Names. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

Last night I was sad and couldn't sleep so I told myself a story. When I woke up it I thought other people would like to hear it, so I wrote it down. This is super heavily inspired by imagery from Baz Luhrmann's version of Romeo + Juliet. My beta suggested that listening to this song as you read might assist with the mood. (For what it's worth, I mostly wrote it with this in mind, and the title comes from there as well.) Hope you enjoy. :)

( Dance With A Ghost. Brendon/Ryan. PG. )

Tags: my fic

The "You Should Write..." Meme!
my thread here

Do this! I have a lot of things I want to write but it's hard to choose sometimes.

On another note entirely, here is a fic about boys with superpowers.

( Give Me Empathy. Brendon/Ryan, Spencer/Jon. PG. )

Tags: my fic

Brendon/Ryan Revival Meme!

Come hang out, you guys. I think all the Australians went to bed.

More fanfiction, less with the cocaine, more with the fixing things and making them better! \o/ Told you this split would make me more prolific.


( Today's The Day I Go Up In Flames. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

Can I interest you in some current canon angst? Good! Here's some!

( With All Your Heart. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

Goooood evening! This the third day in a row that I've voluntarily woken up around nine a.m. and it is weird. On the one hand, it's nice to have more daylight to work in! On the other, it's dispiriting to wake up to literally no emails because so little time has passed. ;_; Also, friends, update more. ALSO, blogs I follow on Google Reader, update more! >:(

The five things you associate with me meme is still hanging around like a summer cold, so here are even more answers from me!

From softlyforgotten, ( The Obamas, crossdressing, the nature of RPS, Fiona Apple, Pete/Ryan. )

And from hypomnema, ( proper, long-winded, handwritten letters, mystery shopping, underwear-tastic photos, the pressure of fandom/fandom bitches, KITTENS. )

Today I trekked up to Summerlin to interview the heads of a design firm there for a feature I'm writing. I like that I've slipped into the Vegas mentality where a half hour drive is a trek, when my past commutes have been like, 45 minutes in the dark in the rain in Washington, or an hour and two transfers on a crowded train in New York. Tomorrow I plan to write the actual article, turn it in a week and a half early, and modestly accept the effusive praise my editor will heap upon me for my promptness. \o/

After the interview I took a turn around Summerlin since I'm not usually up that far north and I was near Boca Park, which is a pretty nice shopping area. I bought this in fluorescent pink. Awhile ago an old friend far more adept at stalking than I located the Tropical Smoothie Cafe where Brendon used to work, and as it was on the way today, I stopped there and got a cookie. It's next door to a Port of Subs. Ever since I found that out I've entertained the following thought: Ryan coming to pick Brendon up from work, and ending up hanging out at the Port of Subs next door and doing his homework while Brendon finished up his shift.

Then he'd head over and Brendon would make him a smoothie and Ryan would give Brendon half his sandwich (even though Brendon always tries to refuse it, because it's Ryan's food! Brendon can make his own food! But every time Ryan just insists he thought he could eat the foot long, and now he's full and he doesn't want to let the sandwich go to waste, and every time it just so happens to be Brendon's favorite kind of sandwich) and then Ryan would give Brendon a ride home and then - anyway, it's this big domestic epic in my head, and I just started actually writing that fic, so. I think I am going to go work on that now. Despite everything, yay fandom. \o/

I was debating whether or not to do this, because I liked having a place to post fic without readers potentially getting bogged down by old fandom biases, and it was nice to be able to have fic judged solely on its merits as fic, and not seen through a lens of whatever I'd written before or outright avoided because of my previous work or me in general. I had vague ideas of writing both here and there, but it turns out some folks at an anon community have outed me as writing under that name (having found out through one of my friends, or a friend of a friend who talked about it, so, bummer), and now here we are.

cloviswest is me, I am cloviswest. (Clovis West is the name of my dad's high school, and auberryroad - also a journal I've used in the last several months, also anonymously said to be me a few times - is the street I grew up on, in case you were wondering.) I've posted three stories over there, and I participated in the popoffacork exchange that jae_w put together recently. The stories are as follows, and I'm going to talk a bit about each one because I haven't had the chance to, really.

Dear Catastrophe Waiter (Brendon/Ryan, NC-17): In which Brendon is a virgin, vegan donuts are tools of seduction, and Ryan is the prettiest waiter in all of San Francisco. After something like ten years in fandom total, and now three years in this one, I'm pretty sure this is the first AU fic I've ever posted. [EDIT: ahaha way to forget the first fic I ever wrote in this fandom. Just kidding!] I have a hard time getting around the girlfriends, which is an unfortunate flaw of mine as a fanfic writer, and my recipient specified that she really loves them. Luckily she also mentioned liking AUs, so I dove in and decided to see what I could come up with.

My recipient lives in the San Francisco area, and I leapt upon that as a setting for a normal-boys AU (fact: I saw Milk not long before this as well and had that in mind, but hoo boy a holiday exchange is not the time and place for a political activists AU), and did the best I could with my limited SF knowledge, coincidentally gleaned while in town for the first shows of the 2008 HCT. Herbivore is in fact a delicious vegan restaurant with really tasty donuts; Ryan is in theory someone who would look REALLY cute in an apron. And thus the story begins.

Writing the porn was one of the most interesting things. Since it was an AU, it was a whole different challenge to make it hot and interesting and meaningful (i.e. something I would want to read myself). One of the things I like best about writing Panic is the length of time they've all known each other, and how that plays into stories - why two people are getting together now is always one of the most fascinating questions a story can answer for me, as opposed to when they met in high school, or when they were recording, or when they were at the cabin, or on HCT, whatever. That history also gives the story an automatic buildup to the sex, and a nice tension that's harder to replicate when you're writing people who have just met.

Not having that automatic buildup made it more of a struggle for me to find an angle, especially since I didn't quite have it in me to write the whole story as an epic (although let me tell you, internets, it's going to be a sweet time when Ryan introduces Brendon to his pot dealer Marie and Marie's boyfriend Joe, and when Brendon's next door neighbor Keltie teaches him to dance before Brendon takes Ryan out to a fancy anniversary dinner, and when Pete meets Patrick and a few years down the line they ask their friend Ashlee to be a surrogate for them - oh in my mind this story is a sweet, sweet epic story of goodness and love), and since it was a story about beginnings and reinventions, I thought virgin Brendon would suit the story quite well. Also, it is hot.

Ryan tops in this story (!!!!111!!!~) because it made sense for the story and again, is hot. Brendon and Ryan having sex in any permutation: pretty hot, guys. I think Ryan topping in the Brendon/Ryan dynamic has been the dominant thing in the fandom for awhile now. I remember feeling very! strongly!! about this in the past (oh the emotional overinvestment I had in fandom back when I lived with my parents and hated my job and kind of hated my life - glad to be past that time, wow), but now, eh, it can be hot either way. I think Ryan bottoming still edges out Brendon bottoming in my personal scale of hotness, but hey man, it's porn, and people will write the dynamics that they find hot. Word to that.

In conclusion, I would like a vegan donut.

21 (Panic GSF, Brendon/Ryan, NC-17): Speaking of writing things I find hot, gangbangs are still something I find way hot. I like writing people who like sex, and I like then giving those characters a lot of sex. So here we have cockslut Brendon getting a birthday present from his bandmates. This was originally inspired by a conversation with gigantic way back in the day where we talked about how Brendon's bandmates most definitely should have spanked him on his birthday. And I figured if you have Brendon Urie turned over your knee, then why not follow that up with fucking? Lots and lots of fucking? So then I wrote this fic. I got some really interesting criticism on it which made me think (it also really made me complain drunkenly, ahahaha oh self), and which I've kept in mind since.

Speaking of cocksluts, anyway, it was kinda cool to see that people still like them and want to read about them, because I still do too. \o/ No matter who it is. (Although I think the term cockslut might carry a bit too much baggage in this fandom at this point, especially in reference to Ryan and thus cobbled together from a bunch of 2006-era characterizations written by a few people. Too bad folks still get down on the idea, because I yearn for more gangbangs. ;_;) [EDIT: Hmm, gangbang is included here under the heading of General Psychological Roleplay, so perhaps that's a loaded term as well? Damn you, semantics! How about cockstuffing? Very focused groupsex? Character-centric porn? Although I am down with the psychological aspects of it. Bring on the blindfolds!] [Wait, bring on the blindfolds again, I guess. Whoops.]

Looks Okay On You (Brendon/Ryan, NC-17): What's really funny about it just coming out now that I'm cloviswest is that I posted this story there not long after putting this LJ on hiatus, and I had in fact excerpted this story here at least twice. Good god was I ever paranoid about being found out. Rereading it now feels sort of like the last attempt at writing a story like this (if that makes any sense? I mean a story more like my old work, as opposed to 21 or Dear Catastrophe Waiter), and I feel like I can see a pretty clear evolution between these three stories. It may just be me though, given that Dear Catastrophe Waiter still pinged people as being written in my style. Oh well, I gotta be me.

Some folks got a dubcon vibe off of it, which was a major bumout because Brendon wasn't meant to be taking advantage of Ryan in any way. That did make me more aware of the need to sell a reader on a pairing, which wasn't something I'd paid attention to before. It was an interesting learning experience, anyway. I want more concrit (or any, actually, as what I saw wasn't meant to be constructive or for me at all, presumably - unless del.icio.us bookmarks are the new venue for criticism), I like discussing things with people when they find something they don't like.

I also wrote a wee short Chris/Darren pornlet called You've Really Got A Hold On Me, which is kind of depressing now. Oh Chris. ;_; I would still love above all else a real Chris/Darren epic tracking them from high school and Until Sundown to the last tour and Chris leaving the band. Man that would be awesome as anything.

The moral of the story is: porn. The second moral is, if you've written a lot of fic, try posting under a sock or writing for an anonymous exchange someday. It's kinda cool the reactions you get when people go in blind. Oh, and try new things, you might like them! But don't give up on the old things just because people don't like them, because chances are some people still do like them, they are just quieter about it. Finally, please give me a donut.

Tags: my fic

Happy birthday, hypomnema! Here is a fic for you!! ♥ (And here is a short primer for those who may be interested but don't know much about these two.)

( Exit 30, Kalama. Twilight RPF. Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart. )

Tags: my fic

I was writing a story last night for a friend's upcoming birthday, and it reminded me that I like writing stories for people within their guidelines. Knowing there's a specific recipient that wants it pushes me in ways I appreciate, even if there's not necessarily a deadline. Some of my favorite stories I've written have been for other people.

To that end, prompt me! I'm modeling this after the template from popoffacork (which you should check out if you haven't - story pairings are all listed here) and other exchanges, so if you want me to write you something, fill out this right here:

Name:
Birthday:
Pairing I Want:
Other Pairings I Could Go For:
Stuff I Like:
Cracky Things I Like (optional):
Kinks (optional):

Here is an example of me doing it -

Name: AK
Birthday: 5/18
Pairing I Want: Brendon/Ryan
Other Pairings I Could Go For: GSF with a Brendon/Ryan focus, Chris/Darren, Ryan/Chris
Stuff I Like: I love epic romances that span band histories, early band fic, porn, Brendon topping, first times, and banter. I'd rather girlfriends weren't ignored entirely, but involvement should be limited, not the focus, and as drama-free as possible. I like current canon and near future fic that talks about why this is happening now. I'm more interested in relationship stories than character studies - actually a sort of relationship study would be really cool.
Cracky Things I Like: I like AUs; historical AUs with a power imbalance or class difference (master/servant, lord/peasant, rich kid/poor kid, etc.) are my very favorite. I dig wingfic, vampires, and mpreg.
Kinks: People who are really eager for sex, comeshots, barebacking, gangbangs, non-hardcore BDSM.

So yeah, like that! No pairing is off-limits, I'm a changeable creature and might like something today that I didn't like yesterday, or might like something tomorrow that I don't like today, even. *leaf on the wind* I might write Panic plus Shane (though I'd need some canon outside of that he lives with Brendon and is their friend/film guy - if you ask for Shane, link me to a primer), The Cab maybe, FOB plus Ashlee, Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson, The Jonas Brothers (what!), and I don't know, whatever else you think I might write. I make no promises, I might write all of these or none of them, I might write them tomorrow or next year. I put in a thing for you to put your birthday because why not? But again, no promises. Doesn't matter if you know me or not, everyone is welcome to request. Anonymous comments are on, even, so if there's something you're shy about requesting just honor system promise me that you'll come back to comment if I write it. :)

Anyway I'm nosy and want to see what people are into reading these days. I won't close off the number of replies so if you come to this post awhile from now feel free to request anyway. I might put it in the sidebar, hmm.

Okay. Prompt me!

Title: Like A Game (sequel to That First Inconceivable Touch)
Author: addictedkitten
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Summary: Boys are only after one thing, Ryan is. Ryan doesn't know what he's after, but he hopes to find that only one thing one of these days so he can stop looking.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
Note: I wrote That First Inconceivable Touch just over two years ago. Consider this one possible future for the story, rather than a definitive sequel. Thanks to callsigns for the beta.

( Like A Game. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Nine In The Afternoon video: BEST THING EVER OR BEST THING EVER?!

A short list of amazing things about this video:

1.
THE FIRST FUCKING FRAME - OH MY GOD

( MORE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THIS VIDEO )

I wrote fic!

( Drive Faster, Boy. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

Hi! I wrote a story.

( Swing as high as any savior. Pete/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

So, this:



Yeah, I freaked out for like twenty minutes. But then I wrote a fic.

( Broken Glass and Rusty Nails. Brendon/Ryan. NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

It's my birthday today! To celebrate, here is some fic.


( Reacharound. Ryan/Brendon, (Pete/Ryan). NC-17. )

Tags: my fic

Today I posted a girlfriends primer in DYW. Go look!

Also, I asked if people wanted fic commentaries a few weeks ago, and gigantic, iridescentglow, and callsigns asked for one on except under the pale light, my Pete/Ryan story from last fall. So here it is!


( except under the pale light DVD commentary! )